Interview with Fergus mac Roich
A blog recounting the events of the Cattle Raid of Cooley
Blog Entry 1
I'm on the road with the king and queen of Connacht. You know Ailill and Maeve, I'm sure. Ailill's the sucker I cuckolded when I romanced his lovely wife. Currently, I'm guiding them north to Ulster, where they're going to steal the famous brown bull of Cooley. Maeve was really jealous when she found out her husband owned the best bull in Connacht, so she wanted to get herself an animal to match Ailill's. Of course, the only really awesome one left was in Ulster, so we're on our way to invade my home—just for a bull.
Now, don't think that I'm about to get all my friends still left at home killed over one animal. I was chosen as the guide to lead everyone to Ulster, since I knew where I was going. But I still have a deep fondness for my homeland, so I led everyone south instead of north, where Ulster is. Eventually, though, Maeve found me out and realized that I was leading her on (literally), so she made me turn around and head north.
I sent out a covert warning to my friend, Cuchulain, who hadn't betrayed me. I didn't want him to get hurt, so I let him know the Connachtmen were marching north. He's such a great warrior—even better than me, if that's possible—that he might have well destroyed all of Connacht's armies if I hadn't asked him not to do so.
Maeve's a crafty one, I'll give her that. She knows that Ulstermen suffer from what's called "Macha's curse." Because the goddess Macha was once forced by men of Ulster to run in a race while pregnant (and then she died after birthing twins), Ulstermen were occasionally subjected to suffer the pains a woman did during childbirth. That'll show 'em, she must've thought. Of course, the magical Cuchulain didn't suffer from this problem. He could do pretty much anything because his father was Lugh, lord of the Tuatha de Danann. I wish I was magical like that.
Anyway, I tried to delay the Connachtmen's trip northwards so that I could give my friends in Ulster time to recover from this curse. After all, what's the point of fighting if the fight is unfair? I told Maeve that none of her Connacht warriors would be able to defeat Cuchulain... but did she listen? Of course not.
Blog Entry 2
So, Ailill's suspicious of me seducing his wife. And rightly so! He had his lackey Ferloga spy on us and, when I wasn't looking, steal my magic sword. He put in its place a wooden blade. Like I wouldn't know the difference! I knew it must've been Ailill—who else would've done it?
Later, he invited me to play chess with him. While he was guzzling beer, I accused him of stealing my sword and told him to give it back! He said smugly that he wouldn't give it back until the day we actually fought against Ulster. What a pest he is! He and Maeve even tried to bribe Cuchulain to fight with us, instead of against us—like that would work.
Cuchulain decided he wanted to have a little chat with me. I went to see him with Maeve, but Cuchulain refused to switch sides. The only thing Cuchulain would agree to was that he would fight one Connachtman per day and, once he killed that guy, the Connacht army would stop for the night. Cuchulain and I shook on it and we made a bargain.
So, that went on for a few days—Cuchulain beat everyone we sent against him. Big surprise. Eventually, Maeve asked me to fight him, but I didn't want to go against my own foster-son for two reasons. One, I don't know, honestly, if I could have beaten him. Two, Cuchulain's family! You don't fight family.
But she eventually wore me down. Cuchulain and I made a deal: we'd fight twice in this war. Once, he'd run away from me, which would make me look awesome, and then I'd do the same for him. It was his turn to flee first, which made the Connachtmen really happy. Plus, I couldn't do much damage, since Ailill still hadn't given me back my sword!
Blog Entry 3
Whose stupid idea is it to have friends fight friends? Maeve asked Ferdiad, an Ulster dude like me who turned to Connacht, to go up against Cuchulain, an old pal of his. I went to Cuchilain to warn him, but both guys were already obligated to fight. When Ferdy did die, we were all miserable.
After a long trek, we finally reached the house of the guy who owned the Brown Bull. His name was Daire and, of course, he didn't want to give up his prize animal. So, we went to war. Full-scale war. I was matched up against Conchobar mac Nessa, my old frenemy; thankfully, Ailill finally gave my back my sword. I was even about to finish Conchobar off, when his pesky little son, Cormac—whom I loved as if he were my own—begged me not to.
Cuchulain then popped by and told me it was time to fulfill my part of our bargain. It was my turn to run away from him, screaming like a banshee. Since I'm bros with most of the Connacht guys, they followed me and let Ulster win that day. The war was over.
Blog Entry 4
Well, I'm going to retire. Maeve just killed my beloved friend Cormac, Conchobar's son, in a raid. I went to go try and stop them before it was too late, but, well, it was too late. One of my sons was killed there, too. I can't imagine fighting for her again...
Maybe I'll go to some retirement community called "Lofty Pines" or something like that. Set in the Irish countryside, I'll play shuffleboard and sit in a jacuzzi. I like the sound of that.