How we cite our quotes: (Chapter.Paragraph)
Quote #1
Sure, I've always been into the Big Bang theory of passion, but as something theoretical, something that happens in books that you can close and put back on the shelf, something I might secretly want bad but can never happen to me. Something that happens to heroines like Bailey, to the commotion girls in the leading roles. (9.17)
The way Lennie is passionately drawn to Toby is totally foreign to her. It also shows how she used to think of herself as not a "leading role," i.e. someone who doesn't take charge of her own life.
Quote #2
Why would he think this? Bailey is amazing and Gram and Big, and of course Mom, but not me, I am the two-dimensional one in a 3-D family. (12.57)
C'mon, Lennie. Give yourself a little more credit. Seems like Lennie's pretty low in the self-esteem department. She's a virtuoso clarinet player who makes awesome lasagnas and can walk while reading (not easy—we've tried it), yet she thinks she's not amazing. Maybe she thinks this because the rest of her family is outgoing in their quirkiness (Bailey was an actress, after all) and Lennie keeps to herself a little more.
Quote #3
"Can I?" he says, reaching for the rubber band on my ponytail.
I nod. Very slowly, he slides it off, the whole time holding my eyes in his. I'm hypnotized. It's like he's unbuttoning my shirt. When he's done, I shake my head a little and my hair springs into its habitual frenzy. (12.64-65)
Cue the slow music. Seriously, though, Lennie lets her guard down around Joe in so many ways. Him removing her ponytail feels like a sign of all that bigger stuff, and that he sees Lennie as different from how she sees herself.
Quote #4
I think how things used to be: predictable, sensible. How I used to be the same. I think how there is no inevitability, how there never was, I just didn't know it then. "I'm awake, I guess, and maybe that's good, but it's more complicated than that because now I'm someone who knows the worst thing can happen at any time." (18.54)
Lennie's trying to come with an explanation for why everything has felt super-charged and more alive since Bailey's death. Knowing that you can die at any time would definitely change a person's behavior on a day-to-day level. For better or worse, Lennie's starting to take more risks.
Quote #5
Without the harbor and mayhem of Toby's arms, the sublime distraction of Joe's, there's only me.
Me, like a small seashell with the loneliness of the whole ocean roaring invisibly within.
Me.
Without.
Bailey.
Always. (25.8-13)
We won't say that Lennie doesn't bring this situation on herself by hooking up with Toby and lying about it to Joe, but still—we feel bad for her. Plus, this quote sheds some light on why she might have been so intensely attracted to these guys. Maybe it was her subconscious way of trying to avoid being alone. Without all the boy distractions, she's forced to figure herself out.
Quote #6
Margeurite's trilling voice fills my head: Your playing is ravishing. You work on the nerves, Lennie, you go to Julliard.
Instead, I quit.Instead, I shoved and crammed myself into a jack-o-lantern of my own making. (26.25-27)
Lennie's looking back on who she was before. Because of the way she thought of herself (as a companion-type person, not Julliard material), she'd completely limited her options and cheated herself out of something she loved to do. But the fact that she can recognize this now shows how much she's grown since.
Quote #7
We smoke together quietly in the moonlight and I realize something I can never say to Sarah. There might've been another reason, a deeper one, why I didn't want to be around her. It's that she's not Bailey, and that's a bit unbearable for me—but I need to bear it. (31.15)
The key here is the line "I need to bear it." It's one of the first times Lennie doesn't just give in to her impulse to shut people out, and considers that what other people need is sometimes more important than what she wants to do. She's becoming stronger.
Quote #8
Before Bailey died, I don't think I ever really disappointed anyone. Did Bailey just take care of everyone and everything for me? Or did no one expect anything from me before? Or did I just not do anything or want anything before, so I never had to deal with the consequences of my messed-up actions? Or have I become really selfish and self-absorbed? Or all of the above? (32.5)
That's a lot of questions. And there's no way for us to totally figure out the answers, because we only have glimpses of the pre-Bailey's-death Lennie. But Lennie's trying to figure out how and why she's changed, and that matters, because understanding yourself is always a good thing.
Quote #9
Okay to everything. I'm a messistentialist—okay to it all. (33.63)
Lennie's given herself a new label: messistentialist, or someone who believes that life is messy and complicated, full of many conflicting truths. It's a mature thing to be, and maybe a sign that she's grown up a little. Plus, thinking of herself as such gives her the courage to read all of Gram's letters to Mom.
Quote #10
I walk over to the edge of the cliff, so I'm right over the falls. I take the plant out of its pot, shake the dirt off the roots, get a good grip, reach my arm back, take one deep breath before I pitch my arm forward, and let go. (38.23)
How satisfying is this? In tossing the plant that she has come to believe represents the old her, Lennie's letting go of who she used to be—and accepting who she has become. Dare we say she's even come to like her current self?