Interview with Asclepius
Asclepius recently made the bad decision of appearing on Life is Strife!, the hottest new talk show in Elysium, hosted by Eris, the goddess of strife. This show has been getting killer ratings, even though it's pretty controversial. Some say it's a new low in television, while others just can't get enough.
Life is Strife! with Eris
[In a dark, cave-like television studio, an audience of dead souls claps and yells.
Eris, a goddess with dark wings and a nasty look on her face, sits across from the regal Dr. Asclepius. The doctor runs a hand through his trim grey beard as a living snake twines around the staff he holds in his hand.
The sour-faced goddess quiets the audience with a flick of her wrist and turns to Asclepius with a frown]
Eris: So you're the famous Dr. Asclepius, huh?
Asclepius: I suppose I am.
Eris: The best doctor ever, god of healing and medicine blah blah blah...
Asclepius: Well, yes...
Eris: I bet you think you're pretty great.
Asclepius: I wouldn't be anything without the teachings of Chiron, the gentle centaur who raised me, and the blood of my healing father Apollo, which runs through my veins.
Eris: Whatever. What's up with that snake? Are you trying to intimidate me?
Asclepius: Uh, no. These non-venomous snakes are my sacred animals. They were once allowed to roam freely through my temples of healing. Pilgrims would come from miles around to spend the night amongst my little friends and receive their blessings.
Eris: You encouraged sick people to sleep in a room with snakes. What kind of quack doctor are you?
Asclepius: I feel no need to defend my practices to such as you.
Eris: Such as me? You are seriously full of yourself, aren't you?
Asclepius: I have a healthy self-esteem. It's nothing to be ashamed of. Perhaps you should consider that.
Eris: Are you implying that I'm ashamed of something? You've got a lot of nerve, buddy.
Asclepius: Let's move on.
Eris: This is my show, jerk. I say when we move on.
Asclepius: As you say.
Eris: I'm surprised you feel so good about yourself, considering all the horrible allegations out there about you.
Asclepius: And what might those be?
Eris: How about those who say that you aren't a god at all. That you never were. That you're just a mortal, strutting around pretending to be a god!
Audience: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
Asclepius: I was born of a mortal mother, if that's what—
Eris: A mortal mother who cheated on Apollo, right?
Audience: Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!
Asclepius: Well—
Eris: How does it feel to have a mother with such loose moral character?
Asclepius: I—
Eris: Did you think it was right when Apollo killed Corios?
Asclepius: It isn't my place to—
Eris: Yeah, yeah, just answer the original question? Are you a god or not?
Asclepius: Some think of me as immortal and worship me as such. Some say I live on as the constellation Ophiuchus, the Serpent Holder. And others remember me as a great mortal physician.
Eris: Quit dodging the question. What're you trying to hide?
Asclepius: I am different things to different people. I'm sorry if that's hard for you to grasp.
Eris: Wow, you really are the most condescending jerk I've ever had the displeasure to interview.
Asclepius: I can't say that I find spending time with you particularly pleasant either.
Eris: Great, well let's get this over with. Why don't you tell my audience of souls here how you lost your mortal life?
Asclepius: Zeus struck me dead with one of his thunderbolts. I'd become so skilled in my art that I could raise people from the dead. The king of the gods thought this was against nature, and so he—
Eris: So you can raise people from the dead, huh?
Asclepius: Well, yes...
Eris: Prove it. Bring one of my audience members back to life. Bring them all back to life!
Audience: Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!
[Asclepius looks nervously to the audience of ghosts.]
Asclepius: But it's not something I do anymore.
Eris: You'd deny these souls life itself?! What kind of sadistic doctor are you?!
Asclepius: Zeus would—
Eris: Take what's yours, audience! Rise! Rise and make this selfish doctor give you what you deserve.
[Eris cackles as the audience of souls rises up in great wave to crash down on Asclepius.]
Asclepius: Great.