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Careers: Celebrity PA 160 Views
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Description:
As it turns out, being a celebrity PA involves more than just separating skittles… but we swear, if we find one more green one in this bowl...
Transcript
- 00:05
Celebrity personal assistant you have a dream no not that one a different [Martin Luther King giving a speech]
- 00:11
dream is it to cure cancer no is it to ensure world peace no is it to be a
- 00:18
kindergarten teacher lovingly shepherding five-year-olds into preteen [a young boy taking a bite of an apple]
- 00:23
hood no your big dream to one day meet Ariana Grande. So uh what on earth went
- 00:30
wrong in your childhood oh, but you have many other dreams to hang out at a party
Full Transcript
- 00:35
with the cast of stranger things to be cast as a superhero in a future Avengers [Image of the Avengers superheroes]
- 00:39
movie not to be one of people's 50 most beautiful people to win one of those
- 00:44
glorified participation trophies to direct to produce to produce a boat load [kid holding a participation trophy on stage]
- 00:48
of dough to be a movie star seriously that's your life goal to dress up and
- 00:52
play make-believe casting our judginess aside we'll just dive into reality so [girl diving into a pool]
- 00:58
here is your reality you become Kristen Stewart's personal assistant awesome!
- 01:03
You've been a fan girl since Twilight only being her assistant isn't quite what you
- 01:07
imagined it's not you and Kristen hanging out all the time BFFs well she [girl jumping up and down at Kristen Stewart]
- 01:12
treats you like an indentured servant she's on a power trip orders you to pick
- 01:15
up chipotle all the time. You deliver it and she changes her mind now she just wants
- 01:19
a sesame seed bagel so you run to the nearest delhi pick up a sesame bagel [girl running to pick up a sesame seed bagel from the delicatessen]
- 01:23
bring it to her and she says I asked for a plain bagel. Okay, well she didn't but
- 01:28
this is Christen Stewart she's like a goddess or whatever so you don't argue [girl holding a sesame seed bagel to Kristen Stewart]
- 01:32
you suck it up sorry Kristen okay you go a plain bagel now I'm starving
- 01:36
need to learn your lesson pick all the sesame seeds off this one so there you [Kristen Stewart telling the girl to pick all sesame seeds off the bagel]
- 01:40
are crouched over a trash can picking sesame seeds off a bagel one by one
- 01:45
but small price to pay because you're in Hollywood and it's what you've dreamed [the Hollywood sign]
- 01:50
about all your short little life you'd do anything just to be in or near the
- 01:54
spotlight only when you're with Kristen well people don't look at you like [Kristen Stewart on stage with flashing lights]
- 01:58
you're a celebrity and look at you with pity or disgust they're willing to be
- 02:02
someone's lackey just so they can kiss the hem of some starlets skirt that's [girl attempting to kiss the hem of someones skirt]
- 02:06
what you do to anyone who even cares Kristen's the one with a shred of talent
- 02:11
well she may not be but she's kind of a somebody you're the
- 02:15
opposite just her troll ish whipping girl along for the ride and you're [a troll moving along in a cart]
- 02:19
starting to feel like you did in high school when you were bullied and
- 02:22
ridiculed for fawning over Becca Johnson it was Becca who became homecoming queen [Becca Johnson crowned homecoming queen]
- 02:28
not you, no you were in charge of sweeping all the streamers off the gym
- 02:32
floor while everyone with an actual date went home but no matter things might [girl sweeping the streamers off the dance floor]
- 02:36
suck, you might be at Kristen's beck and call for now having to submit her every
- 02:41
childish whim scraping dog crap off her shoes and reorganizing the books on her [girl re-arranging books on a bookshelf]
- 02:45
bookshelves according to color but she is your ticket in. Knowing a big star
- 02:50
personally is going to open doors for you right yeah right, the door to the
- 02:54
county jail the door to the rehab clinic the door to Dr. Phil's office not the [Doors opening to the rehab clinic and Dr Phils office]
- 02:59
doors Hollywood why, well because Kristen likes you right where you are on call
- 03:03
for her she's never going to quote "put you in touch with her agent" unquote as she
- 03:08
promised or talk about you glowingly at any casting directors or even give you [girl thinking that one day she'll be a star]
- 03:12
that time to get away for auditions yep to that open call for the next Avengers
- 03:16
movie has rolled around one of the items on your bucket list it's gone you can't [girl dressed as a superhero]
- 03:20
go Kristen needs you to look in on her grandmother the nursing home so you can
- 03:24
help change her colostomy bag you're famous employer is going to do whatever
- 03:27
she can to make sure you continue to wallow in obscurity why no because you [Kristen Stewart on stage with fans raising their hands in the air]
- 03:32
can't lose you because then she'd have to deal with the hassle of finding a
- 03:35
replacement and why bother when she already has someone so docile so passive
- 03:39
[jellyfish in the water] so pliable so spineless yeah so ten years have gone by in a blink Kristen is
- 03:45
now has been wisely married a plastic surgeon in her heyday back when she had
- 03:50
her original nose well as for you well you got to produce xXmen 14 host your [X-Men 14 movie poster]
- 03:56
own talk show and be elected to Congress oh wait no that was your friend who went
- 04:00
to law school and ran the LBO of the studio you didn't do any of that instead
- 04:05
you became an expert at bagel seed picking shoe tying and sadly colostomy [girl picking seeds off a bagel]
- 04:09
bag repair so you ended up not even a has been but never was and not only did
- 04:14
you never get a chance to take a crack at whatever your dreams were because [girl thinking about her dreams up in smoke]
- 04:18
Kristen never allowed you the time to get away well she no longer has a need
- 04:22
nor the money for a personal assistant so if you're out of a job
- 04:25
you finally got the time and freedom to pursue your acting career because now you're 30
- 04:31
which for an actress starting out in Hollywood is like 75 in normal people [girl on stage and an older version of the girl walks on stage too]
- 04:35
years you're tired and haggard and burned out you don't have the drive you once did
- 04:39
and you realize that Hollywood was just another dumb dreams you have when you're [fast forward footage of a car driving]
- 04:43
a teenager well what happened the dreams of like being an astronaut or a cowboy
- 04:47
or a ninja turtle well you decide to take your life in another direction now [ninja turtles in an elevator]
- 04:50
but you have a two-year junior college degree maybe if you were academically
- 04:55
diligent there you have no real skills robots haven't replaced and yeah being
- 04:59
able to pick individual dog hairs off someone's designer jacket doesn't count [girl picking dog hairs off somebody's designer jacket]
- 05:02
and robots will do that soon too so what do you do well you wait tables you
- 05:07
answer phones until the google phone bot replaces you and you starve well instead of [google phone bot appears on the girls desk]
- 05:12
working toward an actual career you've doomed yourself to an endless string of
- 05:15
jobs until you get old fall over and die because God knows you'll never have
- 05:19
enough of a nest egg to retire yeah you're going to be one of those grey [a small nest with an egg in a persons palms]
- 05:23
haired women at Denny's angrily asking customers if they want any maple syrup
- 05:27
for those pancakes that's your life not the glitz not the glamour not the [angry older woman asking customer for maple syrup]
- 05:31
popping the flashbulbs not the signing of autographs Denny's and death kind of
- 05:35
tough to tell the difference do you think can you even make money being a
- 05:39
celeb PA the average PA in Hollywood makes well 80 grand a year which isn't [celebrity assistant salary]
- 05:43
chicken feed but you're in Hollywood so 80 grand basically pays for your
- 05:47
electricity your car insurance and a year's worth of mani-pedis until you get [fish nibbling on a persons feet]
- 05:52
fired and have to live on whatever savings you have and besides when do you
- 05:55
have time to spend any of that hard-earned cash you're too busy driving
- 05:59
bumper-to-bumper traffic from Malibu tanglewood to pick up some weirdos dry [very heavy traffic]
- 06:03
cleaning or water their lawn or to check in on their pet Bengal tiger and that's
- 06:08
assuming you even get the PA gig there's lots of competition for those jobs in [lots of people cuing]
- 06:11
lala land so even if you win the PA lottery well you're still going to be
- 06:15
tired and frustrated and not famous so maybe ask yourself what kind of life you
- 06:19
want to have you want to do something significant or do you want to carry [firemen tackling a fire]
- 06:23
wardrobe bags for someone who's doing something you know pretty much
- 06:26
insignificant if you're having trouble making that call well you're Denny's
- 06:30
destiny is looming and yeah we will have a syrup [man sat in Denny's asking for syrup]
- 06:35
hey hey you
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