"How do you know Mamma will give them a cookie?" I asked.
"She has to," Tom said confidently, "because she gave all the other kids a cookie." (1.59-60)
Poor Mamma is part of Tom's scheme, and she doesn't even know it. Tom definitely knows how to use someone else's goodwill to his own advantage.
"Crazy like a fox," I said, sitting on the edge of the bed and grinning triumphantly at my brothers. "Maybe I've only got a little brain, but I figured out how to get a disease first for a change. I sneaked into Howard Kay's house while he had the mumps and got him to expose me." (2.94)
It's hilarious that J.D. feels like he really got one over on his brothers. But then again, maybe he did—maybe this is exactly what he wanted. If it feels like victory, who are we to judge?
"How come they've only got stores owned by the Mormon church in Utah?" I asked.
"Shucks, J.D.," Tom said, "there are other stores in the larger towns and in the cities."
"How come they don't have any in the small towns?" I asked.
"Because the people who live in small towns are mostly Mormons," Tom said, "and the Mormons must give their business to a store owned by their church." (3.98-101)
This is a pretty resourceful solution to funding a church: If there's not enough in the offering plate, open a store that a good portion of the town will feel obligated to support.
"Please let me go," I begged, more afraid than I'd ever been in my life.
"Stop blubbering," Sweyn ordered me, "or I'll tell Papa you acted like a coward and disgraced the name of Fitzgerald before all these kids." (3.35-36)
You'd think J.D. was being held captive by bandits rather than learning to swim, right? To be fair, we doubt Tom and Sweyn are using a YMCA-approved swim training curriculum.
I put my arm around Tom's shoulders. "Old S.D. certainly has courage," I said. "He didn't even cry."
"That was an act put on for Mamma and Papa," Tom said. "As soon as the train gets around the bend he will need that extra handkerchief Mamma put in his pocket." (7.7-8)
Tom doesn't think a lot of his brothers in the courage department—or in the brains department. Or maybe he's just trying to show that he's not upset by S.D.'s departure. We bet he's going straight home to see if Sweyn left anything in his piggy bank.
"But Mamma," I protested, "I never get a chance to catch a disease first. Sweyn will be all well just when Tom and I are getting sick. And when Tom catches a disease first, he is all well just when Sweyn and I are getting sick. It ain't fair, Mamma." (2.13)
When we were J.D.'s age, we were dreaming about a new Nintendo. We sure were lucky to come around after childhood vaccinations were a thing, or we would've been dreaming about getting the mumps over with.
My brother sounded like a prophet of doom. I felt a chill come over me.
"What are you going to do?" I asked breathlessly.
"I'm going to put my great brain to work on getting rid of Mr. Standish," Tom answered. (7.56-58)
The thing about Tom is that when he makes a plan, he follows through. The kid's super reliable in this regard.