Quote 41
I was left to ask, Did I help you toward a fate you didn't want, Alaska, or did I just assist in your willful self-destruction? Because they are different crimes, and I didn't know whether to feel angry at her for making me part of her suicide or just to feel angry at myself for letting her go. (118after.1)
Emotions surrounding death and our mortality are complicated, to say the least. Miles wants to clarify his emotions, but they're inherently tied to the responsibility he feels about Alaska's death. The whole thing is an unholy mess… just like it usually is.
Quote 42
And POOF we are through the moment of her death. We are driving through the place that she could not drive through, passing onto asphalt she never saw, and we are not dead. We are not dead! (118after.17)
Miles and the Colonel drive through the scene of Alaska's death and experience the joy and elation of living. It's hard to think that they might experience this contrast, especially thinking about the emotions Alaska might have felt as she died. How does joy relate to mortality?
Quote 43
Thomas Edison's last words were: "It's very beautiful over there." I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere, and I hope it's beautiful. (136after.18)
Miles, like he said in his first essay for the Old Man, believes that a piece of Alaska continues to live on because he can't bear for it not to. What does he mean by he hopes it's beautiful where she is? How does this relate to mortality and suffering, both his and hers?
Quote 44
"So this guy," I said, standing in the doorway of the living room. "Francois Rabelais. He was this poet. And his last words were 'I go to seek a Great Perhaps.' That's why I'm going. So I don't have to wait until I die to start seeking a Great Perhaps." (136before.18)
Miles is seduced by adventure and the idea of living in the now that adventure implies. He's no longer satisfied with a comfortable life… but now he's opened himself up to the suffering that is tied to a Great Perhaps. Does he realize what he's about to do?
Quote 45
People, I thought, wanted security. They couldn't bear the idea of death being a big black nothing, couldn't bear the thought of their loved ones not existing, and couldn't even imagine themselves not existing. I finally decided that people believed in an afterlife because they couldn't bear not to. (4before.4)
Miles talks about "people" here, but does he include himself in this category? And does this mean he believes in the religious traditions? How does this idea about death and meaning connect to the Great Perhaps he has envisioned for himself?
Quote 46
"You can't just make me different and then leave," I said out loud to her. "Because I was fine before, Alaska. I was fine with just me and last words and school friends, and you can't just make me different and then die." For she had embodied the Great Perhaps—she had proved to me that it was worth it to leave behind my minor life for grander maybes, and now she was gone and with her my faith in perhaps. (20after.23)
Okay—so the adventure is worth the pain and suffering for Miles. But we have to wonder if Miles's "faith in perhaps" really dies with Alaska. We hope not and we don't think it did… How about you?
Quote 47
But even so, the afterlife mattered to me. Heaven and hell and reincarnation. As much as I wanted to know how Alaska had died, I wanted to know where she was now, if anywhere. I liked to imagine her looking down on us, still aware of us, but it seemed like a fantasy, and I never really felt it—just as the Colonel had said at the funeral that she wasn't there, wasn't anywhere. I couldn't honestly imagine her as anything but dead, her body rotting in Vine Station, the rest of her just a ghost alive only in our remembering. (21after6)
Miles is struggling to hold on to his belief in the afterlife. Now that he's faced with real death, he's got to reconcile what he wants to believe with what's actually running through his head, which is hard for anyone to do.
Quote 48
I was not religious, but I liked rituals. I liked the idea of connecting an action with remembering. In China, the Old Man had told us, there are days reserved for grave cleaning, where you make gifts to the dead. And I imagined that Alaska would want a smoke, and so it seemed to me that the Colonel had begun an excellent ritual. (46after.23)
Once again the Old Man helps Miles realize something about his life. The question is, will Miles and his friends continue to make rituals about Alaska to remember her, or will they accept their forgettings.
Quote 49
But ultimately I do not believe that she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts…There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed. (136after.16)
Even though Miles states that he's not religious during the cigarette ritual, this is a pretty religious thought about life and existence. How does this belief tie to his hope about Alaska and the idea of forgiveness?
Quote 50
"What am I going to do?"
"You'll spend Thanksgiving with me, silly. Here." (58before.46-47)
Miles doesn't usually have to make his own choices—usually he's just a follower. And the way he makes and doesn't make choices plays a big part in what happens to Alaska and how he deals with it.
Quote 51
I wanted so badly to lie down next to her on the couch, to wrap my arms around her and sleep… But I lacked the courage and she had a boyfriend and I was gawky and she was gorgeous and I was hopelessly boring and she was endlessly fascinating. So I walked back to my room and collapsed on the bottom bunk, thinking that if people were rain, I was drizzle and she was a hurricane. (49before.32)
Miles clearly wants to mean more than he does to Alaska, and that is probably beyond his control. But he could make a bunch of different choices here, not just the two he mentions, and he chooses to leave. What's that say about him as a character?
Quote 52
I raised my arm as she collapsed into my skinny chest and cried. I felt bad for her, but she'd done it to herself. She didn't have to rat. (44before.22)
Miles is pretty aware of personal responsibility when it comes to other people—like Alaska—and pretty unaware of how he makes his own choices. Maybe this is because of his passive personality. How are passivity and choice related in Miles's character?
Quote 53
"We have to slow down or I'll puke," I remarked after we finished the first bottle.
"I'm sorry, Pudge. I wasn't aware that someone was holding open your throat and pouring wine down it," the Colonel responded. (2before.22-23)
Good thing the Colonel is there to keep him honest. Think about who Miles wants to give responsibility for his choices to and who ends up taking it in the end…
Quote 54
So she became impulsive, scared by her inaction into perpetual action. When the Eagle confronted her with expulsion, maybe she blurted out Marya's name because it was the first that came to mind, because in that moment she didn't want to get expelled and couldn't think past that moment. She was scared, sure. But more importantly, maybe she'd been scared of being paralyzed by fear again. (2before.78)
It's hard to think about what causes us to choose what we choose, and usually the situation is super complicated and messy. In his explanation of what he thinks makes Alaska tick, Miles considers her choices of action and inaction and what they mean. Yet he remains blind to his own reasons for choosing action and inaction.
Quote 55
I pulled away again. "What about Lara? Jake?" Again, she sshed me. "Less tongue, more lips," she said, and I tried my best. (thelastday.73)
Oh Miles—he tries to grow a backbone about making the right choice, but he still lets Alaska choose for him. Granted, he doesn't try very hard to stop kissing her.
Quote 56
We did not say: Don't drive. You're drunk.
We did not say: We aren't letting you in that car when you are upset.
We did not say: We insist on going with you.
We did not say: This can wait until tomorrow. Anything—everything—can wait. (thelastday.93-96)
Everything that Miles has chosen—or not chosen because of his passivity—leads up to this moment. He could have been much more active in preventing Alaska from going, and the Colonel—arguably—should have been more assertive about Alaska's choices based on past interactions with her. But they both chose passive acceptance of her decision. Why?
Quote 57
So we gave up. I'd finally had enough of chasing after a ghost who did not want to be discovered. We'd failed, maybe, but some mysteries aren't meant to be solved. (118after.1)
Miles and the Colonel find out as much as they can, but then they quit because they "failed." This doesn't sound like a choice at first, but it is a choice they make. Consider why they choose to leave Alaska's mystery unsolved.
Quote 58
I thought: Straight and fast. Maybe she just decided at the last second. (118after.16)
Think about how Alaska makes choices throughout the book. Was it suicide or an accident? Does it even matter how she chose if the end result is the same?
Quote 59
I wanted to like booze more than I actually did (which is more or less the precise opposite of how I felt about Alaska). But that night, the booze felt great, as the warmth of the wine in my stomach spread through my body. I didn't like feeling stupid or out of control, but I liked the way it made everything (laughing, crying, peeing in front of your friends) easier. Why did we drink? For me, it was just fun, particularly since we were risking expulsion. (3before.115)
Notice how Miles compares his feelings about Alaska and alcohol in the same sentence and reveals the lack of control he has when it comes to Alaska. He has much more control and assertiveness when it comes to alcohol and breaking the rules. Well, some of them.
Quote 60
She and the Colonel had been celebrating a lot the past couple days, and I didn't feel up to climbing Strawberry Hill, so I sat and munched on pretzels while Alaska and the Colonel drank wine from paper cups with flowers on them. (thelastday.58)
Do you think that the Colonel and Alaska are drinking for the same reasons? Does Alaska even know why she drinks? And notice that when it comes to alcohol, Miles has a bit more spine that he does about anything else ever—if he doesn't want to drink, he doesn't.