Corporate LawyerTypical Day

Hsu, Yu, & Eutue, LLC
One Kangaroo Ct.
Jeopardy, USA

Attorney: Lou Pole

Billings Report 6/20/2012

3:30-3:40: Received text via Blackberry from Otto Blotto in Accounting. Picked up by police at a checkpoint when he asked the inspecting policeman “what’s your officer been like, evening?” Received additional text from Otto of picture of him Tebowing by said officer. Looked up good DUI defense attorney and texted him back number. Also advised him not to post that picture to his Facebook account.

8:30-8:40: Arrived at work. Briefly contemplated what life would have been like if I had gone to med school. Looked over and signed several zoning applications for local variances needed by Pete’s Parkside Pizzeria and Paper Mill.

8:45-9:00: Conducted legal research on question whether animated Colonel Sanders’ television ad could ask audience to try his fried chicken, “son,” without having to add tiny print to the effect that “Colonel Sanders does not actually make an adoption offer.”

9:15-10:30: Reviewed Indiana Loans’s document retention policy in anticipation of litigation. Revised ending of each rule with “Craig,” “you hear me, Craig?” and “let’s just call this Craig’s Rule.”

10:30-12:00: Brushed up on bank’s contract enforcement suit against Lord Gym to collect exercise machines as collateral. Surprised that bank’s drafting attorney forgot to demand that all gym equipment was to be cleaned before returned. Made mental note to argue that damages should not include staph infections resulting from sweat from inconsiderate patrons because all errors and omissions should be construed against the contract’s drafter. Conducted document review of financing statements for Lord Gym until eyes glazed over.

12:00-2:30: Traveled to Shenanigan’s Wake for lunch with owners. They were interested in obtaining intellectual property patents for the ambient smell of their restaurant. “We’re interested in entering the scented candle market, you see, and we want to sell a candle that reminds everyone of their stay. We call it, ‘Every Waking Moment.’” I informed them that, while patenting a smell was possible, the aroma of durian and Queen Anne’s lace was not distinctive enough under the landmark case, Huffers v. Puffers.

2:35-8:00: Worked on drafting several contracts. In case of suit, set mandatory jurisdiction as place I’d like to vacay. For brevity, stated that hereinafter Buyer would be referred to as “$” and Seller as “Macon Bacon.” In pdf version, made “I Disagree” box a Rick Roll link. Filled out the paperwork to incorporate fifty new companies in the State of Delaware. “Cmd + F” fingers got tired midway and had to resort to using two drinking birds.

8:00-8:05: Me time. Tried to relax, but suit still smells like Every Waking Moment. No charge.

8:05-8:30: Prepared for conference call with Chinese businessmen in boardroom along with the other corporate lawyers. Every time one of them makes a point of sniffing audibly, and inquiring of the room, “What’s that smell?” I quickly change the subject.

8:30-10:30: Sat down with the dragon. They were all too willing to agree to the contract’s terms. When we were done, olfactory fatigue finally set in. Bliss.