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Bell Curve


Your lawns are so overwatered that you need a hovercraft to mow them. The winter annual color has been out of season since summer…1985. In fact, the best color out there right now is the Agent Orange.


The lawns are wet enough to keep mosquitos happy; but at least the alligators are gone. Your favorite aspect of the job is being able to trim the hedges into…"interesting" shapes. Your magnolia and agave sculpture of Elvis getting mugged at a laundromat is a bit abstract, but it certainly makes the neighbors slow down to take a look.


Lawns are walkable. Hedges are shorn as they should be. Customers are reasonably happy with your work and rates. Your work does not exemplify the Garden of Eden, but protects the town from the forest outside (and within) that wants to reclaim it.


Since becoming one of the more respected gardeners about town, and hiring more foremen and crews to keep up with increased business, you have to be extra focused to be certain that the crews conform to your discerning standards. You sort of miss getting dirty throughout the day, but the increased revenue more than makes up for it. If you ever feel the need, you can roll around in some mud.


Your integrity and determination has finally paid off in a big way. You own a thriving landscape maintenance company and make a very nice living without ever having to shovel feces.