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A whole lotta school. We're sure it doesn't surprise you that, to become a surgeon, you're going to have to spend more than a few years hittin' the books.

After you get your bachelors, you'll need to attend a four-year medical school to obtain a Ph.D. You may not have settled on "proctologist" just yet; often a medical student will happen upon this particular branch of medicine somewhere along their journey. There aren't many rookie medical students who are dead set on a career in proctology, but it may grab them (hopefully it won’t clench too tightly) at some point.

After you've passed your MCAT and gotten your degree, you'll interview for a residency at a hospital or medical center, where you can ease your way in (be sure to use plenty of lubricant) and learn from the best. Now would be a good time to ask all of your most…probing questions.

To achieve a substantial pay jump and become a more trusted and respected proctologist, you’ll want to become certified by the American Board of Colon and Rectal Surgery or the American Osteopathic Board of Proctology. The route to certification varies from state to state, but you can expect that you will have to pass a series of written, clinical, and/or oral exams. Don't worry—the oral exams aren't what you're thinking.