In the Polite Spirit of the Tusculan Disputations
- The Missourian, who we learn in this chapter is called "Pitch"—if you're keeping count, that's four whole names we've got so far for this novel's cornucopia of characters—is met by a man wearing a brass plate with the initials "P.I.O." inscribed on it.
- It stands for Philosophical Intelligence Office, which is a counterintuitive name for an agency that places servants in jobs. This man in a shabby suit is trying to get Pitch to hire one of his boys.
- Pitch is not into it: he's hired 30 boys from various backgrounds, and they've all been scoundrels of all kinds.
- PIO is horrified that Pitch has such a dismal view of human nature and makes an argument that boys are lily buds with baby teeth who will grow into big plants with perma teeth that can bite through steel (we're exaggerating and mixing PIO's metaphors, but you get the idea). He says he knows this scientifically, as a studier of human nature.
- Pitch is doubtful.
- Pitch is so doubtful that PIO brings out the big guns. He plays the St. Augustine card. (St. Augustine was notorious as a major bad boy of the fourth and fifth centuries who converted to Christianity, became a bishop, wrote famous religious treatises, and basically went from being a defiant triple-decker sinner to noting how guilty he felt when he noticed the beauty of a flower and forgot about God for a hot second. That's a 180 if we ever heard one.)
- Pitch hearts St. Augustine and begins to soften his stance.
- PIO then low-blows an insult to Pitch's animal-skin outfit as an outward example of his disordered mind—and that seems to be enough to break him.
- Pitch agrees to try out one of PIO's boys for a job instead of getting a machine like a cedar mill to do the work.
- Pitch asks about the price, and PIO says his is pricier than other agencies, and he needs to be paid upfront.
- Pitch gives PIO the money and extra for the boy's transportation.
- PIO: Oh, yes, I forgot about that. Very good, thanks.
- Before the transaction is over, though, PIO stops Pitch and says that he'll accept Pitch's money if and only if he declares that he Pitch has 100% confidence in him.
- Pitch: Oh. Heck, yes.
- Just then, the boat pulls up against a bluff that PIO says is called the Devil's Joke. Ha ha.