How It All Goes Down
- That night, after dinner, the Bingley sisters visit with Jane, and Elizabeth sees how charming they are when they want to be. If only words could kill, these two would be the world's greatest warriors.
- Mr. Bingley is relieved that Jane hasn't been cursed with the zombie plague and that she's getting better.
- Down in the drawing room, Caroline is still trying to interest Mr. Darcy in her goods, but he's not biting.
- Mr. Darcy makes a few comments about Caroline's lack of battle training, but she brushes it off and finally asks Elizabeth to walk around the room with her.
- Caroline says that Mr. Darcy should join her and Elizabeth, but he declines. He can admire them better from where he's sitting, he says.
- This is some hardcore 19th-century flirting.
- Caroline pretends to be shocked and says that Mr. Darcy must be punished.
- Elizabeth says that Mr. Darcy can't possibly have any weaknesses.
- Not true, says Mr. Darcy. He has weaknesses: he's killed people for things that might seem like no big deal to others.
- Well, that's not great, Elizabeth says—but luckily, she's also a warrior, so she understands the life they lead in these troubling times.
- Finally, Caroline has had enough of their little conversation, so she shuts it down with some piano music.
- But this resisting-the-charms-of-Elizabeth-Bennet thing is getting harder and harder for poor Mr. Darcy to keep up.
- The next morning, Elizabeth writes to her mother to ask for the carriage to come home.
- Mrs. Bennet wants Jane to stay a little longer at Netherfield, so she says the carriage has been damaged by musket fire in a zombie attack, which is partially true.
- But Elizabeth wants to get out of this place, so she tells Jane to ask Mr. Bingley for his carriage. Of course, he agrees.
- Mr. Darcy is glad to see Elizabeth go—he's getting a little too swoony over her. This girl is dangerous.
- Finally, on Sunday morning, Jane and Elizabeth get in Mr. Bingley's carriage and head off. Luckily, the road is clear—except for some zombie children, but they're too busy eating some rotting corpses to attack the carriage.
- Mrs. Bennet isn't happy to see the zombie kids, but soon the two oldest Bennet sisters are catching up on all the gossip they missed while they were away.
- The next morning, Mr. Bennet announces that the family is about to have a visitor: a man named Mr. Collins. This is the guy who is going to inherit Longbourn after Mr. Bennet dies.
- It seems that Mr. Collins wrote to Mr. Bennet weeks ago explaining that he wanted to patch up the falling-out between their two families. Apparently, Mr. Bennet had fought side by side with Mr. Collins' father, but they had issues with each other at some point.
- Now Mr. Collins has entered the church, and his patroness is Lady Catherine de Bourgh. This woman is super rich and super skilled in the deadly arts. She's got an enormous zombie body count to her name.
- Elizabeth is actually pretty impressed with the Lady Catherine stuff.
- The next afternoon, Mr. Collins shows up and has dinner with the family. He alludes to the fact that he would possibly like to get "better aquatinted" with one of the Bennet daughters. Wink, wink.
- Mr. Collins is not the smoothest operator, though. When he asks which one of the Bennet girls cooked dinner, Mary is so insulted that she leaps on the table and tries to stab Mr. Collins with her fork until Lydia stops her.
- After dinner, Mr. Bennet asks more about Lady Catherine, and Mr. Collins has a whole lot to say.
- Lady Catherine is refined and rich and deadly as a starving T-Rex. Even Elizabeth has heard about her fierceness and is interested.
- Mr. Collins explains that Lady Catherine is a widow who lives in Rosings Park with her only daughter, Anne. Unfortunately, Anne is too sickly to follow in the zombie-killing ways of her mother.
- Mr. Bennet is pretty delighted by all this—Mr. Collins is totally ridiculous, and Mr. Bennet loves stuff like that. Almost as much as he loves beheading zombies.
- After tea, Mr. Collins offers to read to the girls, but Lydia interrupts him while he's reading from some sermons.
- An interruption like that would have earned Lydia ten wet bamboo lashes if she was still training with Master Liu.
- But Mr. Collins just gets a little huffy and decides to play backgammon with Mr. Bennet instead.
- Mr. Collins lets Mrs. Bennet know that his main reason for coming to Longbourn is to marry one of her daughters.
- Mrs. Bennet likes this guy more and more every second. She suggests that he steer clear of Jane, since Mr. Bingley has already taken a liking to her, but that Elizabeth is a good second choice. Plus, she's way deadlier than her sister.
- The sisters decide to walk into Meryton, and Mr. Collins tags along. On the way, they see an overturned carriage with a cluster of zombies feeding on the driver. The poor girl.
- Elizabeth thinks fast and throws Mr. Collins' pipe toward the carriage. It lights some lamp oil and makes the carriage explode. Bye-bye, zombies.
- In Meryton, the girls run into some officers from the militia.
- One of the soldiers, Mr. Denny, introduces a new recruit, Mr. Wickham, and everyone is instantly swoony over the guy.
- Just then, Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy happen by on horseback.
- Elizabeth notices that Mr. Darcy seems really disturbed to see Mr. Wickham. It looks like he's about to draw his sword and take the guy out. Weird.
- After all the gentlemen are gone, the girls and Mr. Collins enter their Aunt Phillips' house.
- Mrs. Phillips promises that she'll have the officers over for dinner the next night, and everyone will be able to get to know Mr. Wickham better. Oo-la-la.