How It All Goes Down
- So. All the ladies love Colonel Fitzwilliam. Mr. Darcy? They don't love him so much.
- Eventually, the crowd at the parsonage is invited back over to dinner at Rosings Park.
- Colonel Fitzwilliam starts talking to Elizabeth right away. They discuss the deadly arts, but Lady Catherine butts her head in.
- Colonel Fitzwilliam reminds Elizabeth that she promised to demonstrate her finger strength, so she ties up the bottom of her gown, flips over, and starts walking around using only her fingertips.
- Meanwhile, Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy, and Colonel Fitzwilliam have a conversation about how Mr. Darcy behaved when he was in Hertfordshire.
- Elizabeth tells Colonel Fitzwilliam that his cousin was totally unsocial and wouldn't dance with anyone. The horror.
- Mr. Darcy admits that he's not good with people he doesn't know.
- Elizabeth tells Mr. Darcy that she wasn't always skilled at doing pushups with only her fingertips, either—she had to work at.
- Maybe put in a little effort next time, Mr. Darcy?
- The next morning, Elizabeth is hanging out by herself in the parsonage when Mr. Darcy suddenly stops by.
- It's a little awkward, but the two of them have some strained conversations about how Mr. Bingley left Netherfield, and about how close is too close to live to family once you're married.
- When Charlotte comes home and finds Mr. Darcy visiting, she decides he must be in love with Elizabeth. But Elizabeth thinks that's nuts.
- But Mr. Darcy and Colonel Fitzwilliam keep visiting the parsonage all the time. Like every day.
- Charlotte thinks something is up with Mr. Darcy. He keeps coming by for visits and then just sits there and doesn't say anything. Why do that unless you're hopelessly in love and can't stay away?
- If Elizabeth were able to snag Mr. Darcy, that would be quite a catch, Charlotte thinks. Plus, he's so tall, so you know his brains will be so big and juicy. Braaaains.
- One day, Elizabeth runs into Colonel Fitzwilliam as she's walking near the parsonage.
- The two of them talk about various subjects, and Colonel Fitzwilliam mentions to Elizabeth that Mr. Darcy was telling him that he had saved his friend, Mr. Bingley, from an unsuitable marriage. Apparently, there were some pretty strong objections to the lady.
- Oh, no, he di-in't.
- Now Elizabeth is ticked and determined to kill Mr. Darcy once and for all. She will have her vengeance. Oh, yes, she will.
- Even though the folks from the parsonage are invited to Rosings for dinner that night, Elizabeth decides to stay behind. She's got a headache. And she doesn't want to kill Mr. Darcy in front of all those witnesses, anyway.
- Elizabeth is all by herself in the parsonage stewing about what a jerk Mr. Darcy is when in walks the man himself.
- And guess what Mr. Darcy does? He tells Elizabeth that he knows she's beneath him socially and in terms of training in the deadly arts, but he's still completely in love with her and wants to marry her.
- Um, what?
- Elizabeth is stunned and insulted and bloodthirsty, so she attacks Mr. Darcy while she answers him.
- Basically, Elizabeth tells Mr. Darcy that he's a jerk who separated Mr. Bingley and Jane, so there's no way she would ever marry him.
- Mr. Darcy doesn't deny it at all. Jane wasn't a good match for Mr. Bingley, so she had to go. End of story.
- Plus, Elizabeth tells Mr. Darcy, he's been a total jerk to Mr. Wickham.
- Mr. Darcy is really agitated that Mr. Wickham's name has come up. He finally ends the fight and walks out the door.
- Elizabeth is upset. This day has really been an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, she missed her chance to beat Mr. Darcy to death for his treachery. Bummer.
- The next morning, Elizabeth decides to take a walk when she sees—who else?—Mr. Darcy.
- Elizabeth thinks Mr. Darcy might try to kill her, but he hands her a letter instead. Huh?
- And what does the letter say? All kinds of juicy stuff.
- Mr. Darcy explains that the only reason he got Mr. Bingley to leave Hertfordshire was because he thought that a zombie bit Jane that day she was attacked on the way to Netherfield. He thought it would be better for Mr. Bingley to leave Jane behind than fall in love with a girl who was going to slowly rot and turn into an undead monster.
- Mr. Darcy also explains his full history with Mr. Wickham.
- Turns out that Mr. Wickham isn't such a nice dude, after all. Mr. Darcy once had to break his legs to keep him from hurting a blind stable boy, in fact.
- Mr. Darcy also gave Mr. Wickham all the money he was promised by Old Mr. Darcy, but Mr. Wickham promptly wasted it and then wanted more.
- Mr. Wickham also tried to elope with Georgiana Darcy but got caught before he could make good on his wicked plan.
- Basically, this entire letter is one big "whoa" after another.