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Shmoop's P.I.s recently used their awe-inspiring detective skills to hack into Eos' text messages. Read below to get a taste of what's going on in the current life of the goddess of dawn.

                                   Memnon

                            June 25, 4:30 A.M.

                                                     Hey, kid. Who was that
                                                     friend u were with
                                                     yesterday morning?

Mom, don't text me so
early.

                                                     You ought to be awake.
                                                     Rise and shine! ;) Now,
                                                     who was that friend?

Not telling you.

                                                     ???????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Do you know how
embarrassing it is that
you try to sleep with
all my buddies?

                                                     I can't help if I have a
                                                     taste for sexy young
                                                     men.

This really is too much.

                                                     Aphrodite cursed me!
                                                     I seriously can't help it.

I'm sick of hearing that
old "Aphrodite cursed me"
excuse. She never would've
done it if you hadn't slept
with Ares.

                                                     You are seriously ungrateful.
                                                     Do you know how many
                                                     spears I deflected for you
                                                     during the Trojan War?

Not enough. Achilles'
got me.

                                                     Do you know how hard it
                                                     was to get Zeus to make you
                                                     immortal?!

It must not be too hard.
You got him to do it for
your lover, Cleitus, and
dad.

                                                     I told you not to mention
                                                     your father!

Oh, you mean Tithonus?

                                                     Stop it.

Tithonus.

                                                     I swear...

Tithonus, who you had
Zeus turn immortal without
remembering to make
him eternally young.

                                                     (crying)

Who shriveled up into a
raisin.

                                                     I turned him into a
                                                     cricket!

Great, my dad is an
immortal cricket raisin.

                                                     I'm done with this
                                                     conversation.

Fine.

                                                     FINE

                          June 25 5:30 A.M.

                                                     So, seriously what was
                                                     yr friend's name?

>:(

                                 Cephalus

                          July 15, 12:00 P.M.

You ruined my life.

                          July 15, 12:30 P.M.

No response?

                           July 15, 1:33 P.M.

Wow. You are cold.

                          July 15, 2:36 P.M.

Cold as a snort.

*snake

                          July 15, 4:00 P.M.

                                                     Working. No time fr this.

You've already dispersed
the mists of night with
your rosy fingers.

                                                     Flying cross ski

                                                     *sky

I wish you'd never put
your rosy fingers on me.
You took me from my
wife.

                                                     Procis was cheating on you
                                                     anyway. Never shd taken
                                                     u bk to her.

She died because of you!
She followed me into the
woods thinking I was
meeting you! She hid in
that bush to spy on me!
I threw my javelin
thinking she was a boar!
YOU RUINED
EVERYTHING!

                                                     Well, she did kind of
                                                     look like a boar. JK lol

>:(

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