My Heartbeat Isolation Quotes

I never request anything, of course. I think half the reason the two of them let me spend so much time in their company is that they forget I'm there. It's why I have to hide just how much I am totally madly in love with James. It makes them notice me. And that makes them more careful around me, which is not what I want. (2.40)

Mom and Dad were always getting letters from my teachers and having to go in for special conferences. "Ellen exhibits," the school said, "an unwillingness to form any firm social attachments. There is a consistent failure on Ellen's part to connect with or thrive in any of the many groups which make themselves available to her." (3.38)

For me to go through the agonizing process of getting into a conversation with someone I don't know, it has to be worth it. One of the things I love best about my brother and James is that everything is worth it to them. They can spend an hour talking about whether or not to wear their khaki pants cuffed or hanging over the backs of their shoes. And they can make it sound as if the fate of the world depends on what they do with the hems of their pants. It's just their way. (3.40)

My face hurts from smiling at so many people I don't know. The kids in my class are really friendly. Everyone wants to know everything about everybody else. It's completely terrifying, but I manage to meet everyone without having to know anybody. The trick with school is staying out of people's way. This works pretty well most of the time. At my old school it was only from the grownups that I got attention solely by trying to avoid it. (4.1)

I don't sit with Adena and Laurel to make conversation, but to avoid the attention that comes when you sit by yourself during lunch. (4.13)

"It's not your wanting to be with him that he minds," James says. "It's your demanding to know him."

Perhaps people have their own personal unwritten laws in addition to the social ones. And one of Link's laws could be that no one is allowed to know him well. In which case both James and I have broken it. Tried to, at least. The punishment for our efforts to know Link seems clear enough: banishment. If I have to choose, I would rather be with my brother than know him.
(7.76-77)

We are sprawled across his bed, surrounded by drafts of his essay. I know that if James were somebody else, I would not fearlessly lie around on a bed with him. It amazes me how I have turned into a girl who worries about sex. Both having it and not having it. Less than a year ago, I was a girl bringing home notes that detailed my inability to socialize. And now James and I navigate around each other's bodies, trying to establish boundaries even as we erase them. (10.57)

"Watching Mom be afraid of Link is harder than smiling at strangers."

I remember my first day at Cedar Hill and how tired and nervous it made me to smile at everyone. I now feel more tired and nervous in my own home. (12.7-8)

It occurs to me that the person who has taught me the most about the art of evasive language and behavior is neither of my skilled parents but by brother. How strange that we should have this crucial bit in common and yet be so different. So separate. (14.15)

I feel less concerned about attention. You can hardly hand your drawings out, asking for feedback, and not expect—not want—attention in one form or another. […] They are easier to be around, now that avoiding them isn't a top priority. Learning to look at people—to imagine who they are, what they own, and why—has given me an ability to endure the possibility that I am being looked at. (17.27)

What I want to remember is all the afternoons we spent in hospital cafeterias and airport lounges. How we had full but silent conversations. On lonely days, I'll want to remember that even if no one knows anyone, James made me feel known. And if it happened once, it could happen again. Just like having sex, this time more slowly and deliberately, as if we are memorizing what it was like the first time. (20.53)