Alice Kinnian

Character Analysis

Alice is the ultimate cool teacher—she wants her favorite student to succeed, and she's willing to make big sacrifices to get him there. That is, she's super intense about making sure Charlie takes every opportunity possible to get a good life—when we first meet her, she's pushing Charlie to get major surgery in the hopes that it'll lead to lasting happiness. Not only is she good at what she does, she really cares about what happens to Charlie. And hey, it doesn't hurt that she also finds romance in the process.

Charlie and Alice, Sittin' in a Tree

Pretty quickly, we figure out that Alice is also a potential love interest for Charlie. "Why haven't I ever noticed how beautiful Alice Kinnian is?" (76) Charlie writes after his surgery. Alice has definitely got a thing for Charlie, but she wants to do right by him—she thinks it's kind of weird to date her former student, so she doesn't do much more than go on a date with him at first. She recognizes that there is no way they can have a healthy relationship when he puts her on a pedestal, so she tells him to get out there and date other ladies.

But Charlie and Alice have enough chemistry to cause a lab explosion. That's partially because they're so similar: she's got her sights set on teaching him everything under the sun, and nothing would make him happier than being the smartest student of all time. If they could only get on the same page, those sparks could ignite Beekman.

A Little Insecure

Let's face it—Alice always thought she'd be smarter than Charlie, even after his surgery. She doesn't really know how to cope with the fact that he's practically left her in the dust:

All I can do is listen and nod my head and pretend I understand all about cultural variants, and neo-Boulean mathematics, and post-symbolic logic, and I feel more and more stupid… (12.124)

We get it, Alice—neo-Boulean mathematics can be a wee bit complicated.

Even worse, Alice thinks Charlie is keeping her out. The smarter he gets, the less he needs Teacher to explain his times tables in excruciating detail. When it gets to the point where Charlie knows more than Alice, she definitely has a breakdown. She says:

I wanted to help you and share with you—and now you've shut me out of your life. (12.124)

We sympathize with Alice, but maybe she's a little more mad that the student has become the teacher, and vice versa. As Charlie soon learns, it's no fun to go from being knowledgeable to being chopped liver.

Just Call Her a Martyr

We've got to hand it to Alice; she takes the tough stuff in stride. No one told her she'd have to deal with her brand-new sweetheart showing up in her classroom as a different person, but she's strong enough to make it through. That's because she takes care of herself:

Once you're in Warren I'll do my best to forget you. I'm not going to pretend otherwise. (17.293)

She's drawn to Charlie for lots of reasons, but she knows she'll return to normal life after he's gone. There's a self-preserving instinct there that would put her in the top two of Survivor, easy.

You can see that's she's hurting, though. She runs out of the classroom crying when the old Charlie shows up, but it's not because she feels sorry for her former boyfriend—nope, it's because she's mourning a great love that only lasted a short time. Call it Casablanca, because she'll never see Charlie again.