- When Colin wakes up, it's not just the rooster he can hear—it's also the sound of Hassan's prayers.
- Hassan tells Colin he hasn't seen the love of his life—Judge Judy—for twelve days. Can he imagine such a thing? Oh right—there's that whole business with Colin loving Katherine and being heartbroken. Whoops.
- Hassan doesn't really want to go to work today, but they live with the boss, so they can't really call in sick, right?
- Wrong—Colin points out that Hollis is at the factory on Thursdays, so she won't notice.
- Colin brings up Hassan going to college again, and gets told dingleberries faster than he can say anything more.
- Colin runs into Hollis downstairs, and it turns out he was right (as usual)—she is going in to the factory today. He tells her Hassan has a sinus infection, so he can't work today.
- Hollis sends Lindsey and Colin to visit what she calls "the oldsters"; since the factory interviews are done, they've got to interview retired workers and stuff.
- Lindsey takes a while to get ready, and Hassan watches Saturday Night Live reruns while Colin waits. When she comes downstairs, she asks the boys why they always say fug all the time. What's the deal?
- They tell her it's from The Naked and the Dead by Norman Mailer. The story goes that Mailer wrote the book with loads of f-bombs in it, but the publisher wouldn't have it, so he changed them all to fug instead. That way people would still read it, and he could keep his language (sort of).
- So Colin says it in homage to Mailer, though there's also the added benefit that no one gets mad at you for saying fug.
- Lindsey likes the story, praises Colin for finally telling one, and then they're off.
- On the way to the interview, Colin and Lindsey swap stories about life. Colin wants to matter, but Lindsey doesn't really care if she does or not.
- Then she points out his magic formula for relationships is missing some variables like age.
- Colin thinks she's right and makes a list of other variables that might happen in a relationship: Age, Popularity Differential, Attractiveness Differential, Dumper/Dumpee Differential, Introvert/ Extrovert Differential.
- He comes up with a new formula, based on these variables, and—voila—it works… sort of. It might not work with everyone, but he's getting closer.
- They arrive at the nursing home and visit with Jolene, and then a bunch of other oldsters. Lindsey certainly knows how to charm answers out of these folks.
- Jolene mentions that Hollis is selling two hundred acres of her land to a guy named Marcus, which shocks Lindsey. She can't believe it—why would her mom do that?
- Colin suggests Hollis might be doing it for the money, but Lindsey says that's can't be right because they don't need money on account of her great-grandpa having built the factory.