- Epigraph: "Life is so… whatever"—Kelly Marquette, a.k.a Skeletor
- Bridget, the virgin, is thinking about sex over breakfast—more specifically, she is thinking about sex with Eric.
- The Pants arrive, albeit dirty on the butt, and Bridget brings them to the soccer game, vowing to actually pass the ball.
- She feeds her team assists throughout the game; they are winning 12-0.
- Coach Molly moves Bridget to goalie—she is slightly perturbed by this, but happy to see Eric watching. She's a giver, so she lets Eric's team score and feels his approval. It's the Pants.
- Tibby is shocked to see Carmen burst into her bedroom. Carmen lets out a good cry and then fills Tibby in—she felt invisible, nobody likes her there, she hates them all (except for her father).
- Tibby doesn't give Carmen much sympathy, though, and she asks if she's at all mad at her father—frustrated, Carmen wonders where the old, bitter Tibby disappeared to and storms out.
- Tibby writes to Lena, telling her that Bailey has been helping with the movie.
- Back to soccer, Coach wants Bridget to play defense. Fine. But then Bridget can't help herself, and she launches the ball from midfield—and scores. While Bridget's friends are impressed (and so is Shmoop), her coach isn't, and she yanks her from the game.
- Feeling little regret, Bridget stuffs her face with chips and salsa on the sidelines.