The Real Poop
I WAS DELTA SHMOOP BORN
AND DELTA SHMOOP BREED
AND WHEN I DIE I’LL BE SHMOOPY DEAD
SO HURRAY FOR SHMOOP
HURRAY FOR SHMOOP
HURRAY FOR GOOD OLD DELTA SHMOOP!
What is more appealing than having one hundred and fifty girls screaming this at you while simultaneously judging your personality? Absolutely nothing? Well then good for you! You’ve survived Greek Life, and can now embark on a career that will ensure your BS in Biology will go to good use.
So you want to be a National Sorority President? Do you also want some Valium with that? The haze of University life has obviously muddled your senses, and you think that since you won “Best Go Greek Attitude” your senior year you’re qualified to pursue Greek life as a career. Well, you are if you’re willing to babysit the young women of America. That’s right - as a National Sorority President it’s your job to take responsibility for over twenty-six separate sororities. Twenty-Six separate sororities that can have up to one hundred and eighty-four chapters nationwide. Not to mention that each of those chapters have around one hundred and fifty members each. All passed out on their University’s front lawns with a bottle in one hand and their dignity in the other. How about that Valium now?
As the National Sorority President you are in charge of the National Panhellenic Conference. Established in the age of boy bands, beepers, and bad hair, the National Panhellenic Conference (Panhellenic) began in 1995. You would think that an establishment that promoted the excellent values and ethics of women’s fraternities would have been established in Victorian England. Where the absurd mutterings of women’s rights were kept quiet in the tight lace of a corset. However, Panhellenic came out of the grunge era seemingly to retroact all of the bad decisions made by the hippies and disco fever. It also was created to undermine the growing obsession with Nirvana. So we hear.
Today Panhellenic acts as a foundation to advance the twenty-six sororities by endorsing initiatives that launch and sustain women leaders. The phrase “world domination” comes to mind, and if you weren’t already convinced that women are trying to take over the world, you should be now. Panhellenic not only acts as an endorsement for women’s leadership, but also acts as a scapegoat. If a sorority screws up too badly they come in with a cover-up. It’s just like the government only with a better wardrobe.
You're really loving your new walk-in closet.
Let’s face it - no University is complete without the infamous fraternity keggers of misplaced youth, but as a sorority girl it’s important to be a little subtler with your chicanery. Panhellenic is here for that reason, and you are here to spend sleepless nights trying to figure out ways to improve the damaged reputation of the organization you love so much. It’s a hard task and it’s difficult to expect these women to live up to the likes of Joan of Arc, Susan B. Anthony, and Hillary Clinton when all they have for role models are Kim Kardashian, Snooki, and the Real Housewives of Atlanta. However, this fact won’t stop you. Panhellenic will go down fighting!
If you’re picking a career in Greek life you obviously have had an amazing Greek experience yourself. You’ve made life long friends that have helped you get through your parents divorce, and your many physiological issues. Your sisters were the bridesmaids in your wedding and your confidants when times got tough. You were even in an alumni group together that put together luncheons and gave away festive rubber ducks. It was that bond that encouraged you to pursue a career ensuring that other women had the opportunity to experience Greek life just like you did.
The Panhellenic Creed that you uphold states that:
“We, as Undergraduate Members of women's fraternities, stand for good scholarship, for guarding of good health, for maintenance of fine standards, and for serving, to the best of our ability our college community. Cooperation for furthering fraternity live, in harmony with its best possibilities, is the ideal that shall guide our fraternity activities.
We, as Fraternity Women, stand for service through the development of character inspired by the close contact and deep friendship of individual fraternity and Panhellenic life. The opportunity for wide and wise human service, through mutual respect and helpfulness, is the tenet by which we strive to live."
This mantra follows you as you embark on your mission to maintain the image of Panhellenic. That image being high quality women that became that way because of sorority life. You aren’t like those fraternity boys putting horses in the dean’s office. No. You only use cats because you’re a lady. You play a key role in supporting everything sorority related including conventions, sponsorship programs, individual events, sorority extensions, and even sorority probation. But mostly sorority probation.
You act as an overseer and it is your job to support your fellow Greek life leaders. Besides your basic duties you also are apart of a committee that acts as the Board of Directors for the Panhellenic foundation. The Panhellenic Committee includes a Secretary, Treasurer, a Budget and Finance Chair, Vice Chairman, and of course the Chairman herself. Don’t worry though. The Chairman is certainly not as cool as you are. She is basically just a figurehead position that uncontrollably blogs and idolizes the Barefoot Contessa.
Don't worry... it's before your time.
You’ve spent your life dedicated to the idea that putting a group of young people together, and giving them unwarranted responsibility, with nothing but their personal judgment is a good idea. But you honestly believe that despite how sororities are perceived in society they are much more than that. Now when one of your girls becomes President or discovers a cure for cancer you’ll have the last laugh, but until then you put up with all of this because you truly believe in the idea that no matter the letter we’re all Greek together.