Hamlet

Welcome to Elsinore, Denmark, land of the recently deceased King who likes to chill out in ghost form at night on the castle battlements. This has put the castle guards a little on edge so, they call in Horatio, a college pal of Prince Hamlet (son of the deceased King), who confirms that, yep, there's a ghost on the battlements alright, and it looks a lot like the dead king. This can't be a good thing, especially since Denmark's about to go to war with Norway. (Norway's Prince Fortinbras Junior wants to reclaim the lands his deceased father lost in a bet to Old Hamlet, Denmark's now deceased King.)

Back at the palace, we meet the new King Claudius, brother to the dead King and new husband of Queen Gertrude. (Yes, that's right, she’s now married to her ex-brother-in-law, which makes Claudius Hamlet's uncle/stepfather.) Claudius takes pains to avoid war with Norway, and then deals with his new stepson. Lately, Hamlet's been wearing this all black get-up and he's been acting moody, mostly because his mother (Gertrude) waited about two seconds to get married after his father died. In fact, Hamlet complains that the cookies and punch left over from his father's funeral were served at his mother's wedding. The King and Queen tell him to cool it with the moping – everybody has to die someday. After the family get-together, Hamlet says he wishes his flesh would "melt" and then Horatio shows up and tells him about the ghost, which Hamlet wants to see ASAP.

We also learn that Ophelia's got a romantic thing going on with Hamlet. Her brother, Laertes, tells her to drop Hamlet like a bad habit because Hamlet's only trying to sleep with her. Besides, Hamlet's a prince and so out of her league. Ophelia reminds her big brother that he's got no room to talk and then Polonius shows up and wants to know what his kids are talking about. Dad concurs with Laertes's remarks and tells Ophelia to let things cool off with Hamlet. Being an obedient daughter, Ophelia agrees

Meanwhile, on the battlements, Hamlet confers with the ghost, who claims to be his father's spirit. At first, Hamlet's not sure what to think. Is it a friendly ghost or, is it a demon from hell? After the ghost tells Hamlet that Claudius is the man who murdered his father by pouring poison in his ear while he (Old Hamlet) was snoozing in his garden, young Hamlet thinks the ghost is probably telling the truth. The ghost of the King orders Hamlet to "remember" him by seeking revenge. Alright. Game on. Hamlet tells his pals not to worry if he starts to act a little crazy – he's got a master plan that involves him putting on an "antic disposition" (acting like a madman or, a clown). Note: It's not exactly clear why Hamlet decides to put on an "antic disposition." To avoid murdering Claudius? To buy some time so he can figure out if the ghost is telling the truth? What do you think?

The next time we hear about Hamlet, Ophelia declares that Hamlet is crazy. Apparently, he showed up in her room looking disheveled and out of it. Polonius brings the news to the King, and they decide to spy on the youngsters to figure out if Ophelia is the source of Hamlet's "madness." Meanwhile, some Danish ambassadors return from Norway with the good news that there will be no war after all – young Fortinbras has been put in check by his uncle, the new King of Norway.

We then witness a humorous interlude with Hamlet and Polonius, during which the Prince plays the part of an "antic" and mocks the courtier for being old and foolish. Polonius, of course, believes Hamlet has lost his mind.

Enter Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, two childhood pals of Hamlet and Horatio. The King and Queen have called them to Elsinore to spy on Hamlet and find out why he's gone mad. While the duo fails to do this, some players (actors) come into town. Hamlet asks them to give a speech about Hecuba and then Hamlet berates himself for being unable to kill Claudius and avenge his father's death. Hamlet decides to set up a play, The Murder of Gonzago (also called The Mousetrap) in which a king is murdered in the same way Claudius murdered Hamlet's father (by pouring poison in the ear). This way, when the royal court watches it, Hamlet can gauge Claudius's reaction and discern whether or not his father's ghost was telling the truth.

Claudius confers with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern and finds out that they haven't discovered the source of Hamlet's odd behavior. Gertrude says she hopes Ophelia's beauty is the source of his madness. Everyone leaves while Hamlet delivers the big "to be or not to be" speech in which he thinks about the pros and cons of suicide and decides that most people don't commit suicide because they don't know what death will be like –it's an "undiscovered country." Then Hamlet meets up with Ophelia, where he acts crazy and cruel, possibly because he knows Polonius is spying on them the whole time. Hamlet accuses all women of being dishonest and says to Ophelia "get thee to a nunnery," which is Elizabethan slang for "go back to your brothel."

Hamlet asks Horatio to help him watch Claudius during his play's performance. When the murder scene plays, Claudius does all but stand up and shout that he's guilty. That takes care of that, and Hamlet is convinced that his stepfather/uncle is guilty of the crime. Hamlet is livid and later tries to kill Claudius. Unfortunately, Hamlet finds Claudius praying. Hamlet, sneaking up behind him, decides killing a man while he's praying is not only dishonorable, but will get Claudius a ticket to Heaven, which the guy doesn't deserve.

In Gertrude's room, Polonius tells her she should have a conversation with Hamlet and try to figure out what's up, since no one else has been able to do so. He'll hide behind a curtain and listen in. Hamlet enters and berates his mother for so quickly marrying Claudius after her first husband's death. Gertrude gets scared and calls out for help. Polonius shouts back and Hamlet, thinking the man behind the curtain is Claudius (maybe), stabs Polonius in the guts. Polonius dies. When Hamlet realizes his mistake, his reaction is something like this: "Whoops. I thought that was your husband/brother-in-law behind the screen. But that's nothing compared to what you've done, Mom. Incest is so much worse than murder."

When Gertrude tells Claudius her son has indeed gone mad (she conveniently leaves out the part about Hamlet accusing him of murdering the old king) Claudius has Rosencrantz and Guildenstern fetch the Prince and accompany him to England, where Hamlet will be out of the way. On the way to England, Hamlet looks ashore from his ship and sees Prince Fortinbras of Norway marching across the land to fight for some lost territories. He thinks Fortinbras's war is petty but he is inspired to action and decides he needs to go back to Denmark and finish what he didn't start, namely, the killing of Claudius.

Back at the castle, Ophelia has cracked and gone mad. She wanders around the castle singing strange and bawdy songs, which makes everyone uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Laertes has returned home from France to avenge father's death and is enraged at the sight of his sister. Claudius calms him down by explaining that Hamlet killed Polonius, and together they can get back at the Prince by staging a "friendly" duel in which they can treacherously kill the Prince. The plan: Laertes will use a sharpened sword (as opposed to the standard blunted sword used for friendly dueling), the sword will also be poisoned (just in case), and just to be safe, Claudius will get Hamlet to drink from a poisoned goblet of wine.

The next thing we know, Ophelia has committed suicide or, has drowned by accident; it's unclear because it happens off-stage and we hear about it from Gertrude, who may or may not have been an eyewitness. But, since everyone thinks Ophelia committed suicide, she gets a shoddy burial, as suicide was considered a terrible sin. Hamlet, who doesn't know what's happened, is hanging out in the graveyard playing with skulls and contemplating death when Ophelia's funeral begins. At the funeral, there's more talk about Ophelia's "purity" and Laertes jumps into Ophelia's grave to hold her one last time. Hamlet runs over and seems pretty distressed – he argues with Laertes over who loved Ophelia the most.

Just as we are wondering what happened on the boat to England, how Hamlet got back, and where Rosencrantz and Guildenstern have gone, Hamlet gets Horatio up to speed. On the boat to England, Hamlet opened the letter that Rosencrantz and Guildenstern were carrying and found that it carried instructions to have him (Hamlet) killed. Naturally, Hamlet altered the letter to say "Please kill Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, thanks," and escaped on a pirate ship back to Denmark.

Onto the last scene: put your rain gear on because it's gonna be a bloodbath. During the friendly duel between Hamlet and Laertes, everything goes according to Claudius's evil plan until, uh oh, Gertrude drinks the poisoned wine. (Was it an accident? Or, did she subconsciously do it to save her son? It's not entirely clear.) Meanwhile, Laertes cuts Hamlet with the poisoned sword, and Hamlet, ending up with Laertes's sword, wounds him back. All three have fallen to the floor by now. Before the end of the play, one more person gets killed. Before he dies, Laertes yells out, "It's all Claudius's fault!" So, Hamlet stabs Claudius with the poisoned sword and makes him drink the poisoned wine. Bloodbath complete. Horatio's feeling left out and wants to kill himself too but Hamlet instructs him that it's his job to tell Hamlet's story. While most characters are dying and/or dead, Fortinbras of Norway walks in, steps over the blood and guts and bodies strewn out all over the floor, and then helps himself to the Danish throne. Horatio and Fortinbras decide to put all the dead bodies up on a "stage" for people to look at while Horatio tells Hamlet's story.