- We drop in at a fancy pad in the Blackfriars neighborhood in London, where two dudes named Subtle and Face are in the middle of a huge fight.
- They're both hurling crazy and hilarious insults (like "I fart at thee" and "you scarab, I'll thunder you in pieces"). Shades of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, anyone?
- They're also threatening physical violence.
- Their partner in crime, a woman named Doll Common, gets in the middle and tries to break things up. She warns them that the nosey neighbors can probably hear everything and all their plans will be ruined.
- As the bickering continues, we learn the following:
- Face, Subtle, and Doll are a trio of con artists and they've been busy duping a bunch of poor chumps out of money by running various scams. (Okay, Jonson already told us that in the Argument but hey: we get it again.)
- Face and Subtle are fighting like Tom and Jerry because they can't agree how to divvy up the loot and they disagree about who's doing most of the work.
- They've been running their con games out of the home of some rich dude who's away in the country because the plague is killing a bunch of people in London. (Again, we already know this, but we'll just go with it.)
- Said rich dude has left his butler (that would be Face) in charge of running the house while he's away. (By the way, we find out at the end of the play that "Face's" real name is probably "Jeremy the butler" but, for now, we're going to call him "Face" because that's what his pals call him.)
- Most of the scams involve Subtle pretending to be an alchemist. Face's job is to go out and recruit victims by luring them to the house. Doll is their accomplice (and also happens to be a prostitute) so she brings in extra income by entertaining clients, if you catch our drift.
- Here's an important brain snack: if you had lunch with Ben Jonson and asked him to define "alchemist," we're pretty sure he'd say something like this (while rolling his eyes dramatically): "An alchemist is a con artist: a dude who pretends to be scientific-y / magic-y / philosophical-y and runs around acting like he can turn base metals into gold. Alchemists claim they can do this by whipping up a substance called the philosopher's stone, which is sometimes associated with the elixir of life, or stuff that can supposedly heal sick people and make old people young again."
- Got all that? Because this play is going to drop a ton of alchemy jargon on us, and these are the most basic concepts of the whole alchemy racket.
- Now, back to the play.
- Our girl Doll finally manages to break up the fight and promises to have sex with one of the guys that night. (Subtle and Face will draw straws and whoever draws the longest one gets to have Doll all to himself. Classy.)
- Just then, the bell rings.
- It's victim #1—a law clerk named Dapper who loves to gamble.
- Dapper wants a "familiar" (a.k.a. a spirit that helps people practice magic) that can help him win big at gambling.
- They decide Subtle should put on his disguise and Doll should just stay out of sight.