Humor Quotes

"'Cause you know I love the players, and you love the game."

"A bit of talcum is always walcum."

"A lion does not ask permission before he eats a zebra."

"Abby... normal."

"Alrighty then."

"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

"Any mean thing someone's gonna think of to say about me, I've already said to me, about me. Probably in the last half hour."

"Anything. Can be a slam. Poem. If you say it like this."

"As if!"

"Baby, you're the greatest."

"Backstreet's back, all right!"

"Bazinga!"

"Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne! Worms!"

"Bread makes you fat?"

"Burn!"

"But that's life. One minute you're on top of the world. The next minute, some secretary is running you over with a lawnmower."

"Butts."

"By all means, attribute my legitimate feelings of sadness to menses."

"Consume mass quantities."

"Could be raining."

"Cut it out."

"D'oh!"

"Darlin' it's better, down where it's wetter, take it from me!"

"Dear frozen yogurt: you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or nothing. Zero stars."

"Did I do that?"

"Do you like scary movies?"

"Don't bring me down…Bruce!"

"Don't have a cow, man."

"Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here."

"Dy-no-mite!"

"Eat my shorts!"

"Elizabeth, I'm coming!"

"Every day I'm shuffling."

"Fat guy in a little coat... fat guy in a little coat..."

"Five hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred minutes. How do you measure, measure a year?"

"Frak!"

"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver..."

"Get out of my chair, Meathead."

"Get out!"

"Giggity giggity"

"Good grief!"

"Have mercy."

"He slimed me."

"Heh heh."

"Hello, Newman."

"Here it is, your moment of Zen."

"Hey now!"

"Hey, brother."

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

"Holy crap!"

"Homey don't play that."

"How sweet it is!"

"How you doin'?"

"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

"I can see Russia from my house!"

"I can't believe I ate that whole thing."

"I don't know what it is about me that makes people think I want to hear their problems."

"I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light."

"I had a great evening; it was like the Nuremberg Trials."

"I have a head for business and a bod for sin."

"I have been starved out, felt up, teased, stalked, threatened, and called Taylor Swift."

"I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?"

"I invented the internet."

"I know nothing!"

"I like big butts and I cannot lie."

"I live in a van down by the river."

"I love lamp."

"I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood."

"I might love the people upstairs more If only they lived on another floor."

"I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things"

"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

"I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got."

"I'll have what she's having."

"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world."

"I'm a mog—half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."

"I'm also just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."

"I'm an adult, and I'm responsible. Let's go get some candy."

"I'm an excellent driver."

"I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown?"

"I'm Larry, this is my brother, Darryl, and this is my other brother, Darryl."

"I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."

"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

"I'm pretty fly for a white guy."

"I'm sexy and I know it."

"I'm the ghost with the most, babe."

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."

"If I'm not back in five minutes… just wait longer."

"If it doesn't have meat, it's a snack."

"If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you."

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

"If you need me, I'll be down here on the floor. Dying."

"It keeps going and going and going..."

"It takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

"It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily."

"It's a dog eat dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."

"It's a really big show tonight!"

"It's going down. I'm yelling, "Timber!""

"It's just a jump to the left... and a step to the right."

"Jerome's in the house! Watch your mouth!"

"Keep the change, ya filthy animal."

"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."

"Legen—wait for it—dary!"

"Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over."

"Live from New York; it's Saturday Night!"

"Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue."

"Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do."

"Mom always liked you best."

"More cowbell."

"My biological clock is ticking like this."

"My mad face and my happy face are the same."

"Nanu nanu."

"Napoleon, don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day."

"Nice guys finish last."

"No soup for you!"

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

"Non!"

"Note to self: After a long day at work, I don't need to see that!"

"Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white."

"Oh, it's okay. I guess I wasn't meant to have a good life."

"Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

"Pardon the egg salad stains, but I'm in love."

"Personally, Veda's convinced me that alligators have the right idea. They eat their young."

"Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!"

"Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

"Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!"

"Say goodnight, Gracie."

"Schwing!"

"Serenity now!"

"Shall we play a game?"

"She doesn't even go here."

"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

"Smile! You're on Candid Camera."

"Snap out of it!"

"Sock it to me."

"Somebody stop me!"

"Stifle."

"Suit up!"

"That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."

"That's a dealbreaker!"

"That's hot."

"That's what she said."

"The Fuhrer was a terrific dancer."

"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle."

"The proof is in the pudding."

"They're like humans, but miniature. Teacup humans."

"This is not one of your more convincing fake showers."

"This is nothing!"

"This one time, at band camp…"

"Those stories (and Andy Rooney) tonight, on 60 Minutes."

"Time for the charm bomb to explode."

"Time to make the donuts."

"Toga! Toga!"

"Up your nose with a rubber hose!"

"Vould you like to have a roll in ze hay?"

"Wassup?"

"We are two wild and crazy guys!"

"We're going to need a bigger boat."

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

"We've got a situation."

"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"

"Well, isn't that special?"

"Well, nobody's perfect."

"What do they think I am, dumb or something? Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"

"What he did to Shakespeare we are doing now to Poland."

"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

"Where’s the beef?"

"Who's on first."

"Wii (We) would like to play."

"Wrapped up like a douche..."

"Yeah, that's the ticket!"

"You ain't never had a friend like me!"

"You eediot!"

"You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good."

"You look like my next mistake."

"You look mahvelous!"

"You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."

"You're so money and you don't even know it."

"You've got spunk. I hate spunk!"