Funny Quotes

"'Cause you know I love the players, and you love the game."

"Abby... normal."

"All the lonely Starbucks lovers, they'll tell you I'm insane."

"Alrighty then."

"And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it weren't for you meddling kids!"

"And in the morning...I'm making waffles!"

"Any mean thing someone's gonna think of to say about me, I've already said to me, about me. Probably in the last half hour."

"Anything. Can be a slam. Poem. If you say it like this."

"Baby, you got a stew going."

"Bazinga!"

"Be the ball."

"Beam me up, Scotty."

"Because I was afraid of worms, Roxanne! Worms!"

"Bread makes you fat?"

"Burn!"

"But that's life. One minute you're on top of the world. The next minute, some secretary is running you over with a lawnmower."

"Come on, come on, do the locomotion with me."

"Come up and see me sometime."

"Consume mass quantities."

"Could be raining."

"Cut it out."

"D'oh!"

"Danger, Will Robinson!"

"Dear frozen yogurt: you are the celery of desserts. Be ice cream or nothing. Zero stars."

"Did I do that?"

"Do you like scary movies?"

"Does your dog bite?"

"Don't have a cow, man."

"Don't worry. We can walk to the curb from here."

"Dy-no-mite!"

"Eat my shorts!"

"Elizabeth, I'm coming!"

"Et cetera, et cetera, et cetera."

"Every day I'm shuffling."

"Face it, girls. I'm older and I have more insurance."

"Fat guy in a little coat... fat guy in a little coat..."

"Frak!"

"Gee, Mrs. Cleaver..."

"Get out!"

"Get ur freak on."

"Good grief!"

"Have mercy."

"He slimed me."

"He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick"

"He's a sweet talkin', sugar-coated candy man."

"Heh heh."

"Here it is, your moment of Zen."

"Here's Johnny! (Tonight Show)"

"Hey now!"

"Hi, my name is George. I'm unemployed, and I live with my parents."

"Hold me closer, Tony Danza."

"Holy crap!"

"Homey don't play that."

"How sweet it is!"

"I am serious. And don't call me Shirley."

"I can see Russia from my house!"

"I can't believe I ate that whole thing."

"I could dance with you 'til the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows 'til you came home."

"I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light."

"I have a head for business and a bod for sin."

"I have nipples, Greg. Can you milk me?"

"I invented the internet."

"I know nothing!"

"I live in a van down by the river."

"I love lamp."

"I love that woman. I love her more than sharks love blood."

"I might love the people upstairs more If only they lived on another floor."

"I proved once and for all that the limb is mightier than the thumb."

"I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it."

"I stand behind my decision to avoid salad and other disgusting things"

"I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics."

"I think that I may be the voice of my generation. Or at least a voice. Of a generation."

"I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash you got."

"I'll have what she's having."

"I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world."

"I'm a genie in a bottle, baby."

"I'm a mog—half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend."

"I'm also just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her."

"I'm an adult, and I'm responsible. Let's go get some candy."

"I'm an excellent driver."

"I'm funny how? I mean, funny like I'm a clown?"

"I'm Larry, this is my brother, Darryl, and this is my other brother, Darryl."

"I'm no hero. I put my bra on one boob at a time like everyone else."

"I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV."

"I'm not even supposed to be here today."

"I'm pretty fly for a white guy."

"I'm sexy and I know it."

"I'm the ghost with the most, babe."

"I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts."

"If I'm not back in five minutes… just wait longer."

"If it doesn't have meat, it's a snack."

"If the apocalypse comes, beep me."

"If you need me, I'll be down here on the floor. Dying."

"In the future everybody will be world famous for fifteen minutes."

"Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops."

"It keeps going and going and going..."

"It takes a licking and keeps on ticking."

"It took more than one man to change my name to Shanghai Lily."

"It wasn't a rock. It was a rock lobster."

"It's a dog eat dog world, Sammy, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear."

"It's a really big show tonight!"

"It's just a jump to the left... and a step to the right."

"It's not a tumor!"

"It's not the men in your life that counts. It's the life in your men."

"It's not the years, honey. It's the mileage."

"It's showtime, folks!"

"Jerome's in the house! Watch your mouth!"

"Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is: never try."

"Kiss my grits!"

"Kiss my hot lips."

"La-di-da."

"Legen—wait for it—dary!"

"Let them eat cake!"

"Let's go to the Winchester, have a nice cold pint, and wait for this all to blow over."

"Live from New York; it's Saturday Night!"

"Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do."

"Me, Tarzan. You, Jane."

"Mom always liked you best."

"More cowbell."

"My biological clock is ticking like this."

"Nanu nanu."

"No soup for you!"

"Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"

"Non!"

"Note to self: After a long day at work, I don't need to see that!"

"Oh my God, Karen, you can't just ask people why they're white."

"Oh, it's okay. I guess I wasn't meant to have a good life."

"Oh, Moses, Moses, you stubborn, splendid, adorable fool."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas, I don't know."

"Oo-ee-oo, I look just like Buddy Holly."

"Pardon the egg salad stains, but I'm in love."

"Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!"

"Salagadoola mechicka boola bibbidi-bobbidi-boo!"

"Say goodnight, Gracie."

"Schwing!"

"Serenity now!"

"Shall we play a game?"

"Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids!"

"Smile! You're on Candid Camera."

"Snakes...why'd it have to be snakes?"

"Snap out of it!"

"Sock it to me."

"Somebody stop me!"

"Suit up!"

"That ain't no Etch-a-Sketch. This is one doodle that can't be undid, Homeskillet."

"That's hot."

"That's what she said."

"The Fuhrer was a terrific dancer."

"The gift of a good liar is making people believe you lack a talent for lying."

"The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle."

"The trouble with poetry is that it encourages the writing of more poetry."

"There are simply too many notes."

"There are some men who don't end every sentence with a proposition."

"This one time, at band camp…"

"Time to make the donuts."

"Toga! Toga!"

"Up your nose with a rubber hose!"

"Wassup?"

"We are two wild and crazy guys!"

"We're not worthy! We're not worthy!"

"Well, here's another nice mess you've gotten me into!"

"Well, isn't that special?"

"Well, nobody's perfect."

"What a dump!"

"What do they think I am, dumb or something? Why, I make more money than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"

"What he did to Shakespeare we are doing now to Poland."

"What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

"When you control the mail...you control information."

"Where’s the beef?"

"Who's on first."

"Wii (We) would like to play."

"Would ya do me a favor, Harry? Drop dead."

"Would you be shocked if I put on something more comfortable?"

"Would you believe…?"

"Wrapped up like a douche..."

"Yeah, that's the ticket!"

"You are from New York; therefore, you are just naturally interesting."

"You eediot!"

"You know the difference between you and me? I make this look good."

"You look like my next mistake."

"You look mahvelous!"

"You'll shoot your eye out."

"You're not too smart, are you? I like that in a man."

"You're so money and you don't even know it."

"You've got spunk. I hate spunk!"

"Zoinks!"