How we cite our quotes: (Chapter.Paragraph)
Quote #1
Besides since I've thought about Gramps dying I don't want to die. I'm afraid. Isn't that ghastly and ironic? I'm afraid to live and afraid to die, just like the old Negro spiritual. (60.2)
Well, Alice, we're afraid that you can't have it both ways. Unless the zombie apocalypse is nigh, in which case, go for it.
Quote #2
Anyway I don't know how much longer I can last; if something doesn't happen soon I think I'm going to blow my brains out. (64.1)
This is an unfortunate figure of speech for Alice, who only a week before writing this entry was terrified of death. One of the consequences of suicide is um, you know… dying.
Quote #3
Oh, to be stoned, to have someone tie me off and give me a shot of anything. I've heard paregoric is great. Oh hell, I wish I had enough of anything to end the whole s***ty mess. (160)
Here's another almost careless reference to suicide. Alice thinks she has it pretty bad, and would do just about anything to escape—even die. However, with her irrational fear of the physical aspect of death, we think maybe this impulse hasn't been fully explored.
Quote #4
I've been reading a paper that the wind blew up beside me. It says one girl had her baby in the park, another had a miscarriage and two unidentified boys died during the night from O.D.'s. Oh, how I wish one of them had been me! (168)
Again with the death wish. It's amazing how self-pitying Alice is for someone whose problems all stem from conscious decisions she has made. Do you think she really wishes she were dead, or does she just think it'd be easier than dealing with the consequences of her actions?
Quote #5
I have two choices; I must either commit suicide or try to rectify my life by helping others. That is the path I must take, for I cannot bring further disgrace and suffering upon my family. (170.2)
Yeah, those two choices are a bit extreme. How about you just work on not doing drugs for a while and start from there?
Quote #6
Gramps died during the night. […] It seems unbelievable that I will never see Gramps again. I wonder what has happened to him. I hope he's not just cold and dead. I can't bring myself to think of Gramps' body being eaten by worms and maggots. I just can't bear to think that. Maybe the embalming fluid they use just cause the body to disintegrate into dust. Oh, I surely hope so. (193.1)
This is where Alice's preoccupation with death really starts to kick in. Maybe it's her immaturity, or maybe it's the rampant use of hallucinogens, but the imagery of the rotting corpse is becoming something of an unfortunate obsession.
Quote #7
I couldn't believe that was Gramps lying in the casket. It was just a tired, drained, skeleton covered by skin. Oh, I've seen dead frogs and birds and lizards and Easter chickens, but this was such a shock! It seemed unreal. It was almost like a bad trip. (194.1)
Viewing someone you love after they've died can be pretty traumatic, no matter who you are. Open-casket wakes can be pretty devastating, because no matter what the mortician does, the person in that coffin never looks like they did while they were living.
Quote #8
I don't really understand the resurrection. I can't even conceive how Gramps' body which will decay and sour and mold and mildew and fall into crumbling little bits can ever come back together again. But I can't understand how a brown dried-up, shriveled little gladiola bulb can reblossom either. I guess that God can put atoms and molecules and bodies together again if a gladiola bulb without even a brain can do it. This really makes me feel a lot better, and I don't know how I could ever expect to understand death when I can't even understand television or electricity, or even stereo for that matter. In fact I understand so little I don't know how I even exist. (196.1)
This is an instance where Alice's religion only causes her more confusion, rather than comfort. She is so distracted by the corporeal facts of death that she makes the resurrection a very physical act. What if she'd interpreted the resurrection as a more spiritual event—do you think that would have alleviated some of her fears?
Quote #9
I had a nightmare last night about Gramps' body all filled with maggots and worms, and I thought about what would happen if I should die. Worms don't make distinction under the ground. They wouldn't care that I'm young and that my flesh is solid and firm. (197.1)
Poor Alice—she's obviously having a really hard time coping with her grandfather's death. At least it's diverted her from all the suicidal thoughts, though, right?
Quote #10
Gran died in her sleep last night. I tried to tell myself that she's gone to Gramps, but I'm so depressed all I can think about is worms eating her body. Empty eye sockets with whole colonies of writhing maggots. (225.1)
These delusions might be lingering after-effects of all her drug use. The fact that her fears all take on a very visual aspect suggests that perhaps Alice is suffering from flashbacks, which is pretty unfortunate.
Quote #11
The worst thing about today was seeing soft, frail Gran lowered into that dark, endless hole. It seemed to swallow her up and when they threw dirt on the coffin, I thought I was going to scream. But Joel said not to think about that because that isn't what death really means and I guess he's right. I just can't think about it. (227.3)
Joel obviously has a pretty good head on his shoulders. He had to deal with the death of his father at an early age, so he's light years ahead of Alice in terms of having a mature response to death and dying. That being said, watching someone you love being buried can be devastating no matter who you are.