How we cite our quotes: (Chapter.Paragraph)
Quote #1
I worked up to my knees, my elbows, making small movements against Cole's body. But where I tried to separate my legs from his, the skin stung. It was as if we had been sewn together, and I was ripping us apart. (P.16)
After the Feed, Nikki's emotions are depleted, but she still feels pain. In fact, the pain of separating her body from Cole's is pretty darn intense. We guess that's what happens when you spend a century bound to someone inside a cocoon of energy-sucking shadows.
Quote #2
He sighed. "I'll tell you this much, Nik, you may have survived a century in the Everneath, but you won't last six months on the Surface. You'll be begging me to take you away again. I promise. There's too much pain for you here." (3.84)
Cole is just a ray of sunshine, isn't he? He tells Nikki that there's a world of pain waiting for her on the Surface. And you know what? He turns out to be right. Having to face the consequences of her decision to disappear is really rough on Nikki. But she knows she made the right choice in Returning, despite all the suffering it causes her.
Quote #3
The trial was set to start in a few weeks, and I'd been avoiding any news about it. A fresh wave of grief washed over me, and I stared hard at the shiny metal surface of the table, trying not to cry. (10.95)
Nikki's not dealing so well with her mom's death. The emotional pain is still fresh, even months later, and the fact that she hasn't entirely coped with her grief makes her a prime target for Cole, who feeds on these kinds of emotions.
Quote #4
A ghost of a sad smile appeared on his lips, and my heart felt as if it were being choked. (11.41)
When Nikki decides to lie to Jack about whether she remembers their shared history, she does so out of a desire to spare him more pain. But in doing so, she just causes them both to suffer more. Jack's obviously hurt by this, and Nikki's hurt by seeing him hurt. It doesn't seem like there are any really easy solutions to help avoid suffering.
Quote #5
"Losing you once was hard enough. And now you're here again and everything's coming back. I'm going to get screwed. And I can't do it again. And the people around me can't watch me do it again." (17.109)
Jack says these oh-so-lovely things to Nikki during the Christmas Dance when Cole starts manipulating the crowd's emotions. Everyone who's there gets into some kind of fight, and because Jack and Nikki are dancing right then, Jack picks a fight with Nikki. We get the sense that he's speaking the truth on some level, even if he's being blunter right now than normal for him. But we also get where he's coming from: Nikki's reappearance has been painful for him, and that's a valid thing to feel.
Quote #6
The day with the flyers was excruciating, and I had no idea where it left me with Jack. (20.1)
As though Nikki doesn't have enough emotional pain on her plate, she has to spend a painfully awkward afternoon passing out flyers for her dad's reelection with Jack and Jules. It just shows that suffering comes in many flavors; it's not always outright grief or frustration, but it can also come from knowing that you've lost a sense of closeness with former friends.
Quote #7
"You're hurting," he finally said. I nodded without looking up. "And you want me to take the pain away."
I raised my head. "I can't breathe, it hurts so much. Can you do that thing that you did on the river? Whatever it was?" (21.125-126)
Right before the Feed, Nikki reaches her emotional suffering tolerance limit. As in, she can't take any more pain. Between her mom dying and Jack's perceived infidelity, she's done with the feels. And since she knows Cole can take away her pain, she's all about making that happen.
Quote #8
I stared at the hair, wedged between my index finger and my thumb. Here it was, my chance to take control of my exit, to stop hurting Jack, to stop hurting my dad and Tommy, to stop the whole damn thing. (26.8)
Nikki is keenly aware of how much suffering her disappearance and reappearance has caused the people in her life, and she wants to put an end to it. By consuming one of Cole's hairs, she can go straight to the Tunnels, do not pass Go—but she hesitates. How do you even begin to weigh your own suffering against that of others?
Quote #9
I realized then that my Return had been painful. More painful than I ever could have imagined, with birthdays of Tommy's that I'd never get to see, and the inauguration of my dad that I wouldn't be able to attend, and good-byes I'd never be able to say. (31.34)
Nikki was desperate to Return after the Feed, but nothing goes the way she planned. Her six months on the Surface are full of pain and suffering, but in the end, it is also worth it for her.
Quote #10
What Jack did for me splintered me, and I wondered how my body stayed together each day instead of falling apart into the thousands of little pieces it should've been. Each time I look in a mirror, I was surprised the cracks didn't show on my face. With every smile, I should've shattered. (33.14)
Nikki has a lot of descriptors for how much she's suffering after Jack takes her place in the Tunnels. She's in so much pain it feels as though her body is splintered, shattered, falling apart. Ugh. Poor thing. Nikki has suffered a lot over the course of Everneath, and we hope she eventually finds some peace.